At some stage in our life we are all faced with the concept of loss and the pain of the grief that is attached to it. Some of us experience a traumatic loss in childhood, some do not, and some do not experience a severe loss until well into their adult years.
If we experience loss early on in life, does this then prepare us for the others that will follow?
If we never experience loss until late in life, is the impact then much greater and harder to deal with?
I have mixed thoughts on if any of them are preferential.
How do we define ‘Loss’ ?
Loss presents itself in several different forms:
- Parental – where a young child loses one of their parents due to a complete break-up.
- Mature Relationships – where a relationship has finally reached the stage of break-up. This affects young and old couples alike. There can also be cases where the relationship break-up is between parent and child, brothers and sisters, or between very good friends.
- Bereavement – where a person loses another person (or animal) they love due to death.
- Financial – losing a sum of money or source of income.
- Possessions – loss of home, car, other important or precious items.
- Career – losing a job can have a big impact, especially if it includes a loss of identity.
- Health – forced by a profound change in health, or after a serious accident or illness.
- Identity – losing a recognised status of oneself internally and/or externally.
- Lifestyle – loss of lifestyle can come from any of the prementioned conditions above.
- Dreams – where possibility of achieving dreams or plans is destroyed.
What is ‘grief’ and how does loss affect you?
Basically, grief or grieving is the term given to the process that we go through after a loss has impacted us. I think that one of the main issues with the concept of loss is that it is seldom anticipatory; more than often the situation that causes the loss is somewhat sudden or unexpected. Generally in life, when things don’t go according to our plans or expectations we usually feel disappointed, sad, and maybe angry. Now if we attach this concept to one that concerns very significant people or things in our life then the emotions are greatly magnified.
The main feelings that people suffer when grieving a harsh loss are:
* Shock * Anger * Anxiety
* Denial * Sadness * Depression
* Despair * Guilt * Helplessness
These feelings are not wrong in any way. In fact, all of them are quite normal and natural responses to losing something that is important. Some people will experience them all, whereas others may only acknowledge a couple – everybody experiences grief in a different way. Most people experience highs and lows during the grieving process, having good and bad days. The consequences of loss can also impact our physical life too. Many people find it difficult to eat and/or sleep properly. It can be difficult to function with day to day tasks at home/school/work.
(If the loss was in a situation whereby more than one significant loved one was suddenly lost and/or the circumstances were co-experienced as in via an accident or act of violence, then the consequences of loss will also be experienced with those of trauma and thus the person may be prone to developing Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder).
How do we recover from loss?
Generally, most people will experience at least two of the following four stages of grief. It is important to note that this is not always the sequential order of experience and sometimes stages can be visited back and forth.
1) Denial 2) Anger 3) Sadness & Guilt 4) Acceptance
Some people say that we never get over the most severe of losses.
I agree, because I strongly think that a part of us holds on to the hurt to savour memories or to serve as a learning/protection mechanism – which prevents us from being fully free from the suffering.
Some people say that it just takes time – time is a great healer.
I also agree with this, but I think it’s the things that we gradually process and do over time that provides the slow healing process.
Therefore, if we can let go of the hurt but hold onto the good memories and/or learnings – then surely this is a better option? If we can focus on the things to be done, process them quicker – then surely this healing process is a better option? Time is our most precious asset, a gift.
Learn from the most common regrets of older people.
We only have one life and the more we waste it the more of that we actually lose.
My coaching toolbox has a range of applications and strategies that can help you.
If you are suffering from a sense of loss and want to choose to take action to speed up your recovery and look forward to the rest of your life ahead – then please connect with me to discuss more.